fed up.....

Its weird...
the person who u are with is supposed to understand you the most..
U are supposed to be happy to be together..
Why sometimes it gets so difficult

Sometimes its ur own self esteem that is destroying u..
U dun trust urself.. u dun trust ur partner..
u dun trust the r/ship..

I've done nothing to decieve...
I've done what every gf should do and even more

Why do i get shit just because i went to meet a good fren who's having some problems in life..

U aren't there when im feeling down..
I was ok.. cos im strong..
i dun depend on a guy for anything.. cos they cant be depend on..
SERIOUSLY!

So why get so worked up over me going out...
Say nasty things.. Which i thought im ok with
But the words keep ringing my ears now..

Saying Im self-centered...
and dun care about my family members
Dun say i dun care about my dad
what have i done to deserve ur nasty words..

Ive frens telling me to be happy and be myself
Dun change cos that will make u unhappy...
Im glad ive great pple who love me for who i am.

its not easy

Its been a month and 2 weeks since dad left...
Its the 1st time i decided to write something

I got worried because when i saw the picture we took during graduation... and i suddenly felt that he looks so unfamiliar. So different
Im worried im losing bits and pieces of what i can remember of him
And i dun wan that to ever happen
i feel so far away from him...

Somethings i got feelings i wana say.. but i cant express them out exactly how i feel
Nobody understands and i dun blame anyone

I have so much things i wana tell him.
I wana tell him about work, my new office, my boss and colleagues
I wana hear his advice on stuff...
I wana hear his voice again, his reply when i call him "papa..."

I know its wonderful that now he's not suffering.
He's well again, happy wherever he is now.. looking down at us
its easy to say but hard to accept the fact that he isnt around in my life..
The memories stopped the day he left..
What we have now were only the past..
There are still so many stuff we haven't have the time to do together...

i remembered, one day he said, " Come sit down here and chat with me..."
its the 1st time i heard him say something like that..
there were times i feel as a Dad, though he always wana be the pillar of support in the family, he does feel weak and helpless
But at times like that, i could feel the helplessness and sadness that he had to depend on us to look after when he was so weak he couldn't walk without our help

I know my mum will be feeling ten thousand worst than me, even though she nvr mention anything
I just hope she'll be strong

He was a very sweet dad
he nvr forgets my birthday. Without fail every year he will get a little gift for me.
The year he got retrenched, he was really down but he still bought me a white gold necklace with blue crystal on my birthday
That bday i cried.. i dunno why.. but i cried

Im glad he left peaceful in his sleep..
he was a strong man who endure the pain and torture

But the silly me, still wish i could see him walk in from the door, like before, like he nvr left

Sad.. will try to be happy

My dad don't seem to be doing well.
The pain i see him go through everyday, esp these few days when his tummy begins to hurt.
It's hurting so much that i have to give him morphine to stop the pain.

He's has been coping well with the stomach cancer since july last year.
He's really strong.
Imagine urself going to the hospital every other week, getting injected with chemicals u dunno will heal or harm u. Seeing nurses drawing blood from u. The jabs are so painful. I cant imagine my self doing it.
It was frightening.

He must be feeling very down now.
He told my my mum he felt useless due to the cancer.
I guess as the man of the house, u would hope to be the support of ur wife and children at all times. Now he's losing it to the disease.

Though my mum always nag about my dad, I know she's really worried.
She came to my room, and ask, " are u prepared for the worst. Ok anot? wont sad rite.."
Of cos i say it will be fine.

I just hope that my dad could be strong. And be happy now.
Im glad i did him proud by getting a good job.
He even put up my pic of the umbrella in his room. lol

Tired...

Had a new desktop today!
Yippee.. the monitor is huge and keyboard is new.
They changed it cos the RAM is higher, better for graphics.
Happy!

We will be moving to a new office in June.. But i kinda like the spacious, no walls concept now inside the straits times dept.
It's huge and u can see everyone.
Nothing to hide. i love that.
Will see how it turns out in June.



See that pic.. lol
Its in The Sunday Times.
I was a model for a few minutes for this pic.
In reality... i wasn't holding an umbrella but a tripod stand.
See! the power of photoshop..

Miss-Understood...

As always... no one understands me..
everyone things I'm immatured, spend money like nobody's business, party, go out and play.

WHatever i do is nvr right. F!
Im really fed-up and disappointed.

My bro sms in the morning to pay up my CPF study loan.
And contribute more to the family. At least i dun take money from them anymore.

Which i did.. I gave them money when i got my salary.
HE's always telling me to this and that. I know. I have plans but everone just thinks im spending all my salary away.
Which i'm not.

I just got my 1st pay. I just wana buy stuff which i need myself.
Im still gotta start buying insurance.
Im still starting to handle my finance.
Its not like im earning a fixed income for a yr or so.

My bf says i should not go out so late and spend money on cabs home and stuff.
I know! But its not like every day of the week im doing that.
he doesnt like me to go out late too much anyway.

I haven met my frens cos i wasnt working before, and have limited funds. Now with the pay at least i can catch up with a few close ones. Meeting my frens are the happiest time i ever have.

Whatever i do. Everyone thinks im selfish. No plans for the future.
Why is it when i wana do something for myself its always not right.

I dun wana cry but i cant control the tears.

Great weekend

Last week was a great week with frens!

Thursday:
Meet waihan, evon and zhong de for some ktv-ing.
Haven seen them seen i start work.

(bloody shit! my screen turned yellow!! My monitor is dying.....)

Anyway, Had a great time with them!
Somethings relationships among frens do change..
But frens will still be frens. Just hope everyone is happy that all we can hope for. =)

Friday:
A very eventful day!!!!

Joanne manges to know someone from Asiaon and got us into Singapore Fashion festival.
The show that day was " Sex-y in the City".
Male models were strutting the runaway with just underwear on!!!
Whee!!! Cool!! We chose the right show to go.. lol
I love Galiano's collection. Really different.. his style. Always expect something unique out of him.

Den we headed down to Raffles City for the MyPaper Executive Look contest.
Yip Ren Kai was the winner. Water-polo player. We called him the Speedo guy. lol

I like the gal, Kelly. She's really pretty and i love her way she speaks and protrayed herself . very confident. tho' she didnt get anything in the end. But i think she's a cool gal.

After the show Joanne and 1 had dinner at PRego. My 1st time there. Pretty ex. $25 for a carbonara. And i cant finish it. Too creamy, not to my liking.
I still prefer Pasta Cafe anytime! lol

After that we headed sown to Zouk. The straits time people were there. I dunno any of them only Sujin but anyway, its good to meet some new people, since im in the working world now.
More the merrier..

Saturday:
After such a long time, finally i can shop and indulge myself for awhile.
went shopping with Serene at far east.

Got 2 pairs of heels at Heatwave. One rounded pumps and one pointed, both black. Love them!
Got a skirt at BYSI for $39. there are really nice skirts there, all around 433-$39. Pretty reasonable, for the quality and the fabric used.
And i bought a top from The Box at Isetan for $15 discounted!! Before, it was $35.90.
lol I got a great bargain that day!

Something Different!!

Tmr MyPaper will be something special from the normal paper's front page.
We have something fun to work with today.
Ed and I came out with a design that incoporate the font page banner and poster together in one graphic.

We made use of a shopping bag as a whole graphic and pulled the banner and poster together as one alothugh thee are 2 Stories.
Its something special and a great idea.
Im really glad we came up with a concept that makes newspaper design more fun to play with.

Everyone was very happy with the graphic.
SO watch out for 2nd APril's MYPAPER!!!!

Pete said he will try to enter this graphic in to the Newscom Awards held at SPH. Hopefully we can win something!