its not easy

Its been a month and 2 weeks since dad left...
Its the 1st time i decided to write something

I got worried because when i saw the picture we took during graduation... and i suddenly felt that he looks so unfamiliar. So different
Im worried im losing bits and pieces of what i can remember of him
And i dun wan that to ever happen
i feel so far away from him...

Somethings i got feelings i wana say.. but i cant express them out exactly how i feel
Nobody understands and i dun blame anyone

I have so much things i wana tell him.
I wana tell him about work, my new office, my boss and colleagues
I wana hear his advice on stuff...
I wana hear his voice again, his reply when i call him "papa..."

I know its wonderful that now he's not suffering.
He's well again, happy wherever he is now.. looking down at us
its easy to say but hard to accept the fact that he isnt around in my life..
The memories stopped the day he left..
What we have now were only the past..
There are still so many stuff we haven't have the time to do together...

i remembered, one day he said, " Come sit down here and chat with me..."
its the 1st time i heard him say something like that..
there were times i feel as a Dad, though he always wana be the pillar of support in the family, he does feel weak and helpless
But at times like that, i could feel the helplessness and sadness that he had to depend on us to look after when he was so weak he couldn't walk without our help

I know my mum will be feeling ten thousand worst than me, even though she nvr mention anything
I just hope she'll be strong

He was a very sweet dad
he nvr forgets my birthday. Without fail every year he will get a little gift for me.
The year he got retrenched, he was really down but he still bought me a white gold necklace with blue crystal on my birthday
That bday i cried.. i dunno why.. but i cried

Im glad he left peaceful in his sleep..
he was a strong man who endure the pain and torture

But the silly me, still wish i could see him walk in from the door, like before, like he nvr left